I Wish I Knew

A few things that have crossed my mind from time to time. Maybe you can help me with the following:

1. Orange - is the fruit named after the colour or is it the other way around?

2. How on earth did someone think of 'Bluetooth'? Will we soon have 'Greenhair' or 'Blackleg'?

3. When all of us have mobiles, why do we still wear watches?

4. When the anesthetic needle hurts, isn't it defeating the whole purpose of getting anesthetized?

5. What language do dogs dream in?

6. Why can't they invent a towel that doesn't have lint (or whatever) when its new?

7. What would your dead relatives think of you if they could actually observe you all the time?

8. When women wear trousers or pants, its considered modern or professional or even normal. But when (some) men wear skirts, they are called cross dressers (amongst other things)?

9. Would we really laugh at half of the jokes on sitcoms if it wasn't for the canned laughter?

10. Why aren't you making me rich by clicking on those crappy Google ads?

Global Warming At Home

I defrosted my fridge last night and woke up to see the effects of global warming first hand. In my dining room.

Huge ice caps had melted. Water covered what used to be dry land (my living room). Food supplies (milk and veges) were thrown into disarray. Fresh water (cold) became scarce. Long forgotten plants and animals, aka food packets, were rediscovered under the mass of ice. Inaccessible regions, like the back of my freezer, became easy to reach. Man had to survive on whatever he could find to eat (bread and jam).

It was like watching 'The Day After Tomorrow' and 'Ice Age 2'.

And if the look on my maid's face when she saw the mess is a true reflection of her feelings, social unrest is just around the corner. 'Water World', here we come.

Lyrical Poetry - Part 1

Hey Andy, did you hear about this one?
I’ve fallen in love for the first time.
I don't know where my soul is,
Said I loved you but I lied.
I’m living in a dream, a fantasy
I have become comfortably numb.

I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis,
She took me in and gave me breakfast.
And she left before I had the chance to say,
I don't wanna be lonely no more.
I take my chance on a beautiful stranger,
If that's the way it must be, okay.

How can I tell her about you?
Because it ain't no use.
You built my hopes so high then ya let me down,
And all that's left is that image that I'll find a way.
I just can't believe that it's over,
I'd turn around if you'd just ask me one more time


Before you think I have completely lost it and have gone from being a bad writer to a horrible poet, allow me to explain myself. I didn't pen the lines above. They are taken from different songs. I just created a collage of words of sorts. And tried to make some kind of sense of it. :-)

The songs in the same order are:

First Para
1. Man on the Moon - R.E.M.
2. I Want to Break Free - Queen
3. I am Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado
4. Said I Loved You - Michael Bolton
5. Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne
6. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Second Para
1. Honky Tonk Woman - The Rolling Stones
2. Down Under - Men at Work
3. Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5
4. Lonely No More - Rob Thomas
5. Beautiful Stranger - Maddona
6. Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison

Third Para
1. How Can I Tell Her - Lobo
2. Dancing on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
3. I Can't Quit You - Led Zeppelin
4. Don't Stop - The Rolling Stones
5. So Long Jimmy - James Blunt
6. Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer - Kenny Rogers

About Me

I started this blog to write about myself. Along the way, I realized that people also like to read stuff about less interesting topics. (Smile). It suddenly struck me that it's been a while since I wrote something about yours truly. So here is a post that just about me.

Hold your breath, here we go...

1. I have studied in 8 different schools from the first grade to the twelfth. My favourite school was K.V. Arakkonam. Played the toughest sports, made the best of friends and ran after the prettiest of girls.

2. I learnt to ride my bike and drive my car after I bought both.

3. I have never given an interview and not got the job. I have also never been selected from a group discussion.

4. Someday I'll work for Greenpeace.

5. I've been lucky with friends. My best friends have invariably been smarter, kinder, more popular, wiser and truer than me.

6. I think that there will be more dogs in heaven than people. I also think that they will be happy to see me.

7. I have read Lord of the Rings thrice.

8. If I didn't wear specs, I could have become a navy fighter pilot.

9. I am right handed, except when it comes to holding a guitar, a rifle or a bow.

10. I have been house captain 4 times in school. Yet I can't remember the name of the house I was captain of in 12th standard.

11. I used to play as a central midfielder for the football team in college. I wore the number 13 jersey.

12. I can't play a musical instrument to save my life. And I doubt I can ever learn. You see, I am TONE deaf.

13. Till 6 months ago I didn't know the basics of cooking. Now, my friends' wives lecture their husbands about how they should learn from me. My friends secretly tell me that their wives ought to learn too.

14. I believe in true love. I just wonder if I'll be lucky enough to find it.

15. I think I should stop now.

I first started blogging on 7th July 2007. It is now 21st Jan 2009. As per my blog counter it has taken me that long to receive 2009 visitors. Hmmm...

Here's proof...



Wonder how long it will take for me to reach 3000 visitors. Here's to popular blogging.

A Recession Proof Business

In these recession hit times, investors and entrepreneurs are searching for the elusive ‘recession proof’ industry. It’s like the Holy Grail. Everyone wants to find it, everyone is looking for it, no one has a clue as to what it might be, but we all know that it’s a huge jackpot.

Well, I think I just might have discovered it. At least theoretically.

First of all, let’s identify a recession resistant activity. It would have to be something really basic. Something that everyone wants to do. Hmmm. The 3 basic needs of man – food, shelter and sex. (The 3 basic needs of women are – gossiping, shopping and chocolate). So that leaves us with eating, sleeping or humping. Being a normal guy, I chose to explore the last activity.

Now, if one looks at the rate at which India’s population is growing it is obvious that people are … well… doing it. And doing it as often as they’ve been doing it for the last 100 years. The Government of India claims that every minute 48 people are born in this country. So if there are 5.25 lakh minutes in year, that must mean that there are 25 million people being born (theoretically) every year.

It’s a known fact that not every act of pleasure results in acts of joy or of sheer terror (depending on your relationship), so let us assume a 20% ‘hit ratio’. You might disagree with the 20% number, but that’s up to you. Therefore, there are 12 crore 61 lakh times that people do it every year without any form of contraception. Imagine that, people are getting laid that many times without a care in the world!

Course, not every guy who gets horny has plans of becoming a proud daddy. So let’s say that just 10% of the people wanted to have kids. The others just wanted to have fun. Logically, this means that the remaining 90% of the people boned each other without any form of protection or insurance. That’s a staggering 11 crore 35 lakh acts of free pleasure. With nothing coming in between the partners.

Now if you assume a packet of raincoats costs you 20 bucks and you get 3 missile caps in each, it gives you a Total Available Market (TAM) of almost 76 crores.

Those of you in the FMCG, and I mean realllllyyyyyyy FMCG, might want to give this a thought. Who says you can’t have fun and still get laid… oops, I meant paid… for it during these times?

For the rest of you, I think I need to get something to do with all the spare time I have. I just wanted to point out that there is plenty of money on the table, or in this case …. On the bed.

Time Out

I am thinking of taking a break from blogging. No, its not because I've finally realized that I'll always be a mediocre writer with a limited repertoire. Rather, I have decided to embark on more ambitious writing assignment. One that may or may not lead to anything. But certainly one that will keep me from troubling you for a while.

Now if you are a regular visitor to this blog, this is what I say to you:

1. Don't be so happy. I'll be back to torture you.
2. I have no idea what I am going to write about. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Yet.
3. Be nice to the environment. We're running out of time.

On the other hand if you're a new visitor to this blog, here's what I'll tell you:
1. Where the hell have you been all this while?
2. Why are you still wasting time reading this post? Scroll down and get started on the earlier ones.
3. Be nice to the environment. We're running out of time.

Cheerio folks. For now.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Draught Beer
Single Malt Scotch
Bayern Munich
Man U Vs Chelsea Matches
ISB
Leon Recanati
Missed Calls
Late Night Text Messages
Cute Strangers
Unapproachable Colleagues
Network Congestion
Delayed Flights
Book Sales
Amateur Plays
Corrupt Politicians
Incompetent Journalists
Long Distance Relationships
Alumni Networks
Favourite Movies
Old Crushes
Dogs
Lovers
Cheese Cake
Strong Coffee
Top Gun
Lord of the Rings
iPod
Nokia Phones
Body Wash
Nivea Products
Nutella
French Mustard
Bon Jovi
Bryan Adams
SMS Bismarck
HMS Hood
Excel Sheets
Power Point Presentations
Education Loans
Credit Card Bills
Volkswagen Beetle
Mercedes S Class
Rakesh Vohra
Kenwyn Smith
Forever Autumn
Saint Elmo's Fire
Shailesh Vaze
Adi (Aditya nee phone)
Mini Skirts
Collared T-Shirts
Just Good Friends
Soul Mates


Just some things that make you go hmmm.....

Built to Last and Not Built Too Fast

'Yeah dude, its a great idea but someone has already implemented it'. I've heard this comeback at least a dozen times from this friend of mine. And just in case you are wondering, I am referring to business ideas. :-)

Okay, now everyone wants to be the next Edison or his modern equivalent. People want to invent the 'next big thing'. Just look at the books that management gurus are peddling these days. People seem to think that you can 'manage innovation'. Well, thats an oxymoron if I ever saw one. The best ideas do not come out of DMADV processes or workout sessions. They hit you on a thursday afternoon, just after lunch and probably just before a horribly boring meeting. I think the world of business would be a lot more creative if we took books like Blue Ocean Strategy and .... thats right.. threw them into the deep sea.

One of the greatest myths that managers seem to believe these days is that you have to have a truly radical idea in order to succeed in business. B schools teach you that you have redefine the paradigm. Well, I think that is hogwash. And let me prove to you why there are no Blue Oceans out there. (Even if there are, they will get polluted by your competitors in no time).

To begin with, the first big idea was fire. Now, if we were to avoid copying someone's (great) idea most of us would be shivering in the cold, eating raw food and bumping into the dark. Lets not even get started on the wheel. How many of us would be willing to walk 10 kms to work, or whatever it is we would be doing in the New Stone Age?

Buildings, machines, printing press, aircraft, bulbs, computers, MP3 players, Search Engines. All these inventions go to prove that there is no great benefit to be derived from redefining the paradigm. Or whatever you want to call it.

My way of looking at things is that once an idea has worked and proved itself, there will be more people willing to fund and ,more importantly, willing to buy your product. Why blaze a new trail when you can follow someone, learn from their mistakes and then... woo hoo.. overtake them?

Think about it. The Japanese and the Koreans have built their economies around this simple principle. For every Phillips (who invented 100s of things including the CD) there are a dozen Sonys and LGs and Samsungs and Panasonics.

So Old Man, you ready to try something?

Evolution of Dance

Ever thought you were lead footed and had two left feet? Well i often do. And the only solution to this is to get consume more alcohol. For some reason, alcohol acts as a dance enhancer (or so I would like to think). But I just realized that it is all a waste of time.

Cuz no matter how much booze I consume, I will never be able to dance like this dude. Check out the video.



It is called the Evolution of dance. At least western popular dance. He starts off from the 50s and Elvis to the 00s and N'Sync.

Status Messages on Gtalk

What does your status on gtalk say? While some of us do try to be inventive an original, it is quite interesting to see what people from the same industry have to say about themselves.

To begin with, folks from the world of media seem to be all over the place. One media marketer claims that ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. So does he mean that a product sells itself? Tell that to the ad agency fellows buddy. And a journalist says ‘Confusion, confusion, confusion’. I hope this doesn’t reflect in her writing. Imagine what would happen. ‘Harbhajan deserves to be banned for slapping Sreeshanth’. And the next day, ‘No it was just a handshake gone wrong’. Oops. Not good for one’s credibility. So while the journalists are running around with lack of clarity, it turns out that the heads of major newspapers have something to cheer about. So one of them says, ‘Who Hu Hoo’. I guess when one climbs to the top of the mountain, everything becomes clear. In any case, whatever the quality (or lack of it) of the news there is to offer, ‘The show must go on’. Probably why we have breaking news flashes that Amitabh Bachan felt cold on a particular day or Rakhee Sawant didn’t like her boyfriend’s valentine gift. Ho hum.

But what about the world of high finance? Surely those number crunchers must be obsessed with regressions and financial models. Right? No, wrong. All my fin buddies seem to be closet poets. Why else would a venture capitalist say, ’Golden brown texture like sun, Lays me down with my mind she runs’. Maybe he’s talking about his soon to be fiancée. How sweet. Higher up the pecking order, an I-Banker feels that ‘Hazaaron khwahishein aisi, ki’ . Yes.. ? aisi ki? No wonder there is so much ambiguity in the world of finance. Come on guys, back to those spread sheets please. Or maybe it is just a passing phase and as a retail banker says ‘Nothing lasts forever’. Yup, booms-busts-booms. It’s all a cycle.

So while the finance dudes are looking at clouds in the sky, let’s check what their arch enemies - the consultants(at least at B-Schools during placement time) are up to. After preaching so much about the Seven Step Process, one of them talks about ‘an ode to a simple(r) life’. Maybe all those 2 X 2 matrices finally get to you. Hmm. Still, some of them continue to give us deep insights into the world of business. What else does ‘No King can win a war when a huge army charges against him’ mean? The lady in question is probably looking glumly at some militant labour union problem.

Moving on to IT and project management, one project manager asks you to ‘Wait a minute’. He probably just discovered a show stopping bug. Which is why a web designer owns up that ‘I am d culprit’. And did you know that ‘The fact is that as you read the web the web reads you’? Ooh scary, talk about big brother watching you. Business Analysts, are poor souls who go where ‘Angels fear to tread’. And at the same time, web designers seem to be ‘Sending out mixed signals’.

All in all, as an MBA student says these are all just ‘Things that make you go … hmmm’. Cheerio.

P.S. - Probably the funniest status message I saw was from a wealth manager. He quotes John Nelson, “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits”.

Creating Bucket List

I saw this pretty decent movie the other day called The Bucket List. It stars Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Now before you start thinking, 'This guy seems to have nothing better to do than review movies' I would like to tell you that I am only bringing this up cuz I really liked the idea of a bucket list. In fact, I had read a similar and much more detailed list (cant compare a 16 year old's list with that of two oldies who are going to pop it in 3 months time) in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books.

So am in the process of compiling my own list and I would like to hear suggestions from you. And sometime soon I will put out my own bucket list. So, 'the phone lines are now open'.

PS - For those who haven't seen the movie, a bucket list is a list of things that you want to do before you 'kick the bucket' (also called dying).

Cause and Effect(s)

'For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction'. So says a certain Sir Isaac Newton. While that might apply in the world of physics, the real world is slightly different. I think that for every action there are multiple interdependent chain reactions. Something like a drop of water on the surface of a calm pond that causes waves to radiate in ever expanding circles. What makes politics, and by extension - life, so complicated is that there is never just one drop of water. Nor is the pond ever truly calm.

Seems almost elementary doesn't it? Drip, splash, crash. Yet it is something that so many people who are paid to air their opinions (and some who do it for free) seem to miss out on. Over the last few months I have been part of many diverse discussions - The IPL, Obama Vs Chelsea's Momma, Indian troops assisting the US in Iraq (God forbid it please!), Dumping carbon into the sea and of course... the 60,000 crore farm loan waiver. All of these discussions have been with smart, educated and well informed people. Some of whom are better orators than me.

What surprises me is the way some people look at an issue in isolation, disregard so many complicating factors, and then make a Nostradamus like prediction. Now I am all for a healthy debate, but I think that any point of view which takes a fixed stand and says, 'It's my way or the highway' is not only short sighted but also dangerously arrogant. I mean discussing something as complicated as how to fight global warming cannot be as simple as arguing over whether Heineken is better than Carlsberg (Heineken certainly is!). Can there be only one correct stand?

I think the Red Indians had a good system where any major decision concerning the tribe would be made only after considering the effect on the next seven generations! Seems like they had a far superior method of forecasting than do the hot shots at Wall Street (sub prime crisis), the think tanks at the Pentagon (Iraq Invasion), the ICL organizers (poor Subhash Chandra) or the political pundits who get every election forecast wrong (India Shining, Mayawati in UP).

So how about we put our hand up and say, 'Look I don't know for sure what is going to happen. But if I were to hazard a guess it would be..... '? It isn't that difficult nor does it show you to be an ignoramus. For when Chairman Mao was asked what he thought the effects of the French Revolution were, he said 'It is too early to tell'.

:-)

AdSense or AdNonsense or Ad Cents?

Many eons ago, in a moment of inspiration I decided to supplement my meager salary by implementing Google's AdSense on my blog. I reasoned that people visiting my blog would be so enthralled by the words of wisdom they came across that they would happily click on any text ad that showed something remotely connected to my posts. But after more than 6 months my 'earnings' are virtually nonexistent to say the least. I was shocked. Horrified even. Was there anything wrong with my posts? Naah, couldn't be. So I checked the kind of ads that Google had deemed suitable for my site.

Go through the list below and then ask yourself whether AdSense should be renamed AdNONSENSE or even AdCENTS.

Private Detective. Russia
private detective agency IPA member.
www.infoproverka.com
Comment: Sounds suspiciously like the KGB to me.

All Female Mystery Party
Miss America Pageant themed party Easy-to-host, all ages, 8-25 guests
www.nightofmystery.com
Comment: Now we're talking. Bring it on baby! Wait a min, am I supposed to use this site to organize the party? I thought they were inviting me to it. Nooooo

Amazing Brain Training
A Hypnosis Program that can supercharge your brain
www.hyptalk.com
Comment: That's what we need. Good old hypnosis to turn us all into Einsteins. While we're ordering, could we get some witch magic and reiki along as well?


Real Mind Power
Learn To Motivate Yourself To Achieve Your Desires Quickly
www.realmindpowers.com
Comment: Amazing! Who needs hardwork (or hypnosis) anymore? Just desire something, motivate yourself and viola its yours! Ok, let me decide... Ferrari or Lamborghini?


Al Qiyam
In my book, the world rejects Peace cause they haven't won yet..The End
www.ChristReturns.net
Comment: Mr. Wannabe-Novelist... did we even ask you for your opinion? More like 'The End' of your literary career.


No wonder I haven't earned enough to even pay for one month's broadband connection rent. Larry & Sergi, give me a break. Stop talking about saving the world. Instead save your company and give us relevant ads.

An Oasis of Talent

Alright, this post is an unabashed tribute to the Brit rock band Oasis. If you don't like their music, tough luck. If you haven't heard their music, allow me to give you an intro. And if you do like their music, tell me what you think.

I could bore you with the numbers - 50 million albums sold, eight UK number one hits, 500,000 copies of Be There Now on day one, BRIT Awards for outstanding contribution to music, blah blah blah. But thats what Wikipedia is for. :-)

The reason I love Oasis' music is sheer singalongability of their songs. Simple lyrics which seem to apparently have no great meaning. But oh, such a catchy way of singing them. Noel and Liam Gallagher (what a cool surname) certainly know how to churn out great sound. Take Don't Look Back In Anger for instance...

And so, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Now, I have no idea who Sally is (or was) nor why 'it's too late'. But I do sense her pain as Liam & Noel (creative license taken here) walk past her. The poignant lyrics that leave you wondering what finally happened to Sally. Did she put her 'life in the hands of a rock and roll band' that 'threw it all away'? Aah.. Sally.


Another beautiful song is Wonderwall. Once again, simple lyrics, simple chords & tunes. But what a voice! That slightly high pitched nasal way of singing. Turns the most mundane lyrics into something that stays with you.

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

Sounds almost corny doesn't it? Winding-blinding. Straight out of a 12 year old's poem. But that is the genius of Oasis. Creating magic out of almost nothing. Stop Crying Your Heart Out is another such song. Barely ten lines of lyrics. But when Liam starts crooning....

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

... you cant help but sing along. It was like I already knew the lyrics the very first time I heard this song! Simply brilliant.

As is the case of rock bands, Oasis have had their fair share of ups and downs. From the initial line up of Liam (vocal), Noel (lead guitar), Paul Arthurs (guitar), Paul McGuigan (bass) and Tony McCarroll (drums) only two remain. No prizes for guessing who. But they've weathered the storms and taken their place amongst rock and roll's greats. Of course there will be those who disagree. But as Some Might Say, you have to learn to Roll With It. And I am sure that when the Gallaghers finally hang up their instruments, they will have attended many more Champagne Supernovas rather than simple Slide(ing) Away.

Stop AND (Not OR) I'll Shoot..

Talk about irony. The NOIDA (UP) police has just come up with a novel way of combatting high jacking of cars on the NOIDA-Greater NOIDA Expressway. Their answer is to FINE people who OFFER lifts. Yes, that is right. If you offer someone a lift on the Expressway, the cops will thoko you with a heavy challan. Doesnt matter whether or not your passenger was really in distress.

If you cant catch the crooks, punish the people who get robbed. 'Yes Mr.Gupta, it is your fault that you didnt take stricter protection measures.' Lol.. As per the press release, in case you see an old person stranded, or a woman in distress or even an accident victim, you are suppposed to keep your eyes on the road and floor the accelerator. And once you come to the end of the expressway, you can go to the police station and tell the kind cops there that there was a life and death situation 15 kms and 20 mins back which they can go investigate.

Come to think of it, it seems like a radical idea. So by extension, people should get fined for the following:

1. Getting run over by Delhi's Blue Line buses - 'who told you to go 50 metres within a bus stand?'
2. Helping someone cross the road - 'Did you know how many people get knocked down every day on the road?'
3. Sending your new neighbours food & water - 'We live in dangerous times. Dont trust anyone. The food might be drugged'
4. Bringing someone else's child home along with yours - 'You might want to kidnap this child coz he's better at studies than your duffer son'

And then people accuse Indians of becoming callous and uncaring...

Pay Me to Fly

Today's headline in the Hindustantimes brought a BIG smile to my face. The Delhi Consumer Court has asked Go Airlines to pay people 15k for a delay/cancellation in Feb this year. Too cool. Since I've been busting up a lot of money flying around the countryside the last couple of months, I know firsthand how frustrating it is to receive an SMS saying, 'We regret that your flight will be delayed by XX hours because of the late arrival of the incoming aircraft'. Sweet mother of a holy man. Thats like saying, 'The patient died because he stopped living'. I am all for free markets and open trade, but the state of consumer rights in this country really needs improvement. For years now, airlines have been giving us 5th world service and we've had no choice but to lump it.

I remember when I left ISB in April '07 and went to Bombay (yes, Bombay not Mumbai) via a SpiceJet flight. It was supposed to leave at 2150, but got delayed to 0015. Thats a delay of 2 hours and 25 minutes. Now as anyone who has flown will tell you, the only food worse than airLINE food is airPORT food. Naturally, yours truly was more than keen to avoid spending his last meal in Hyderabad consuming some stale fare. And since the delay in the flight would mean I would reach Bombay around 0200 in the morning, I thought that we would be given something to eat by SpiceJet. I thought wrong. The smiling lady at the counter told me that it was a SpiceJet policy to serve meals only if the flight was delayed by 3 hours!!!

Yes that is right. Even if you reach your home at a godforsaken hour of 2-3 AM, when no sober soul is awake, you will not be given anything to eat. $%^&*(*^%$%^&*... that was my reaction. So to all the SpiceJets, BlandJets, Air Deccans, Air Himalayas, Go Airs, Come Airs.. serves you right!!! Wooooo hoooo.... High time I say. Make em pay.

Thinking strategically, how about getting other industries to pay us for unexceptable services? A list that might make sense is:

1. Phone companies for all the dropped calls or miss call alerts when your phone was within range
2. Neo Sports and DD Sports for eating up the last ball of every over and the first one of the subsequent over
3. Internet Service Providers who bill you for overshooting your download limit but dont answer your complaints when the net is down/slow.
4. Credit card companies who call you up when you are busy with office/sleep/food/driving/sex/tv and ask if you would like some stupid life insurance or medical insurance.
5. Private cabs who charge you for being 10 minutes late, but dont care a hoot if they come an hour late
6. Bloggers who ramble all kinds of nonsense (dont know any myself) and expect you to read their posts.

Rules of Alcohol Consumption

Came across some rules that might have come to make a lot of sense to me after years of pubbing and even more years of hangovers... :

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
3. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
4. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
5. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
6. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—piddling, waiting in line or washing your hands. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
7. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
8. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
9. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
10. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
11. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
12. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
13. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
14. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from Scotland every morning.
15. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
16. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.